Prayers

I don’t want to just be here, I want to live.

Life goes by in spurts. Sometimes you really think you have things together. You stay organized, keep your calendar updated, check on your friends, reach out to others, read your Bible, go to church, and pray to God through everything and wow that just feels good! I love these times in my life and every time I have a spurt like this, I tell myself, “Hey, this isn’t that hard! I’ll just do this all the time.” It’s one of those high on life kind of feelings like nothing can go wrong. My prayers during these times go a little something like this: “Dear Lord, I am overwhelmed by the many blessings in my life. I am grateful for the people I am with everyday who make me feel truly alive. I am so thankful for your everlasting love, for your constant reassurance, for your beautiful world. Thanks for putting me where I am right now because this is a great place to be. Lord, I ask for your continued guidance as I walk through this life; lead me to those who are hurting, lead me to those who need to see You. Give me the confidence to make an impact in someone’s life by showing them You. I pray for those who are struggling with their health, for their families who are hurting too. Let them come to You when times get hard. I pray for those struggling with mental illness who question their worth every day. Let them see themselves how You see them, Lord. I pray for my family and my friends and their safety and happiness. I pray for my own redirection when I get off course. I pray that I will always keep You first, because You are the most important. I pray that I will handle my struggles by coming to You and letting you take over. I pray that in my weakness, I will find strength through you. I am not perfect but you are perfect, Lord. Help me find a way to not just merely exist, but to really live. Amen.”

And when I say this prayer, I can’t help but smile because my heart is overflowing with love and purpose. But let me tell you, my prayers are not always like this. My good spurts don’t last forever. Even though I tell myself that I can feel like that all the time, I don’t. It’s not as easy as I thought.

The next spurt comes and this one is not as good. My prayers go something like this:

“Dear Lord, I am really struggling. I know how blessed I am but sometimes it seems like nothing is going right and I lose sight of you. I get frustrated and exhausted and it seems like nothing I do gets me out of this slump. I sit and stare and wonder what I’m doing wrong. I fight so hard for clarity and listen so hard for your words to come through to me. I get discouraged and feel so weak. I distance myself from my family and friends because I’m embarrassed that I can’t handle this alone. Lord, I come to you, desperately seeking your guidance. I know you have a plan for my life and I know that your plan is in progress but right now, it is hard for me to see. Help me redirect myself to You. Help me realize that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. Help me calm down and know that I don’t have to fight so hard for the life I think I should be living. Help me understand that I am right where I am supposed to be and when it’s time for something to change, you will make the change. Help me walk with my head held high, knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who is in complete control. Lord, I am ashamed that I ever question your plan, but I do sometimes. When I do, lead me close to you where I can soak in your unconditional love. Help me remember that there is nothing I can do that will make You turn your back on me. Thank you for the many blessings you bring. Give me strength to get through this season of my life. There is a greater purpose for this pain. In Your name I pray these things, Amen.”

And after prayers like these, I also feel a little better. It’s like when you’re a little kid and you skin your knee. You run inside to Mama and she holds you while you cry and suddenly you realize that it’s not so bad. (I still do this by the way, just not with skinned knees). The same is true when I say this prayer at night. It gives me some clarity. As I’m saying these words, I know that just like that really good feeling, this really bad feeling won’t last forever. I will come out on the other side of it. And there is something really special about opening up your heart and soul and letting the Lord take complete control. It’s the purest feeling of relaxation. I spend so much time fighting that voice in my head; it gets exhausting. But when I give up the control that I never really had, I become at peace with the moment.

Going back to my initial statement, I don’t want to just be here, I want to really live. So how do I do that? How can I take this life I’ve been given and really live it? I have to feel all the emotions of the world; day by day and night by night I have to experience love in a way I never have before. I also have to experience the worst pain (the absence of love). I have to come to know “what is” by knowing “what isn’t”. As long as I am feeling something every day, I am living every day. God bless…

 

 

WHAT CONSUMES YOUR MIND CONTROLS YOUR LIFE

WHAT CONSUMES YOUR MIND CONTROLS YOUR LIFE

Every moment of your life is controlled by your mind. You wake up and decide how your day will be. Will you smile at strangers? Will you make conversation with the cashier at the grocery store? Will you go out of your way to help someone? Will you fiercely spread the love of Jesus to those who cross your path? Will you make time for someone who needs you? Will you call or text a friend to let them know you’re thinking about them?

Will you crave good conversation, will you volunteer kindness, will you smile?

Yes, I will.

That is what I am going to do. I will do those things for myself and for others. I will give myself no other choice. This is what I am meant to do. This is where I am meant to be right at this moment. I will be content in what I have and where I am. I will ask for guidance and will follow the path made for me. I will be a light. I have to be.

With these things consuming my mind, my life will be controlled by positivity and good vibes. I will be strong in where I am headed, although sometimes I am blind. I will have faith in my God, although sometimes I am broken. I will smile to everyone, although sometimes I am sad.

And this…this will fix my blindness, my brokenness, and my sadness.

This will change my life.

You Don’t Have to Hold On

Today is May 14^th, 2018. I just saw a quote on Facebook and it made me feel the need to write this. I’ll share the quote below:

“Don’t hold on because you think there will be no one else. There will always be someone else. You’ve got to believe you are worth more than repeatedly being hurt by someone who doesn’t really care, and believe that someone else will see what you are really worth and treat you the way you should be treated.

You shouldn’t have to question if your current significant other is your soulmate. That is something you know by the essence of your relationship. If they are someone who makes you mad and sad and upset, if they are someone who lets you fall asleep when they know you are hurt, if they are someone who cares more about the words they speak rather than the actions they show, let them go. Thank them for their part in your life. Thank them for the adventures, the memories, and the time you spent together but let them go. They have already served their purpose in your life so let them go and keep moving. Greater things are coming your way.

Be brave, be courageous. It will hurt, but know that you are moving on to better places. God has a plan for your life, He has a plan for the people in your life and He has a plan for the way they treat you. When you let go of the toxic, you open room for freedom and true love. Don’t be afraid of the vacancy in your heart for it will bring guests who want to stay.

Fights happen, people disagree. But how you deal with those arguments and how your significant other faces those hardships with you is the true test of life. Make sure you are with the one who loves you unconditionally and the one who faces your troubles with you.

There is no question when you are with the one you are supposed to be with.

Today, if you find yourself questioning your relationship, step back and look at it without any bias. Look at it as if you were looking out for a friend. What do you see?

You are young. There is time. You will find the one. Do not settle for what you have because of the fear that you will never find better. Better is out there.

Adderall, God & Liberty

I have recently been prescribed Adderall (yes, the study drug that has raised concern among some). I’ve been having a lot of trouble focusing over this past year and it seemed no matter what steps I took to help me focus, nothing was working. Granted, high school was a lot easier but I never experienced this feeling until I hit my nursing classes in college. Not being able to sit down and study was very frustrating for me and it was something I hadn’t experienced before. I have always been a good student and I valued by ability to study, learn, and expand my knowledge. I finally had to take steps to help with this. Over the past month, I’ve been working out the correct therapeutic dose of Adderall. I started off on a very low dose and couldn’t tell a difference at all in my studying. Then I went back to the doctor and got a higher dose. I picked up my prescription this morning and tried it. For the first time in a while, I’ve been able to put everything else aside and really concentrate. This has been such a productive day and I am very grateful for that. I want to talk a little bit about how the drug made me feel and relate that to how God makes me feel.

As for the Adderall, it is really miraculous. Even though it is an addictive and abused drug among college students, if you take it for the right reasons it is safe and makes a world of difference. I felt motivated, hungry for knowledge, and truly interested in the information I was reading. Being a nursing student, it is crucial to truly understand concepts and apply them to practice. I am excited for each new piece of information I can get my hands on because my future profession depends on my understanding of these concepts now. Today, I was able to understand deep concepts and visualize myself applying them in practice. Today, I was able to block out the background noise and zone in on my textbook. Today, I was able to view my studies as a privilege and a blessing rather than a thorn in my side. And wow, what a great feeling that is.

As for God, He is really miraculous. If you have a relationship with him for the right reasons, He makes a world of difference. He motivates me, reminds me of His plans for my life, and makes me truly invested in spreading His love to everyone. Being a Christian, it is crucial to truly understand my own relationship with God and apply Him to my everyday life. I am excited for each new piece of information I can get my hands on because my relationship with Him depends on my understanding of these new concepts. Every day, I am able to understand deep concepts and apply them to the life I am living. Every day, I am able to block out the background noise and zone in on Him. Every day, I am able to view His never ending love as a privilege and a blessing rather than something that is owed to me. And wow, what a great feeling that is.

This feeling with Adderall is very small scale compared to this feeling with God. However, they make for a good comparison.

You don’t have to take a pill to feel the effects of God. His effects are constant, abundant, and rewarding. He is there, always. He is life changing.

Ephesians 3:17-19 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Secondly, these pictures were taken in La Libertad, El Salvador this past summer which brings me to another point.

Here are a few definitions of “liberty” from Merriam-Webster…

1. the quality or state of being free
2. the power to do as one pleases
3. the power of choice

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

I can’t help but cringe when I hear people talk about the “rules and regulations” of being a Christian. There is no greater freedom than the freedom of worshipping God as you please and developing an individualized relationship with Him. There are MANY interpretations of the Bible therefore no one person or religion can claim 100% that they are correct in their interpretation. Liberty is the quality or state of being free and “…where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”. Freedom is the power to do as one pleases, the power of choice. And that is exactly what the Lord does for me, He empowers me to make choices about my life knowing that He has a plan through it all. He knows I will struggle to find my path, he knows I will fear rejection, he knows I will doubt myself, he knows I will be anxious. But God will walk with me through my struggles, my fears, my doubts, and my anxiety. He loves me unconditionally, no rules or regulations attached, except for that of spreading His love to others here on Earth. I know that my relationship with Him is different from others but that is what makes it so special. I also respect the opinions of others and I will not judge or look down upon ideas that are not my own because we all have the LIBERTY to worship as we wish. God provides us with that freedom and we are blessed by it.

 

 

Last in my world

Only for so many moments of my life

Can I be just like everyone else

Statues in a changing world

 

But for the moments that are mine,

I am not like them at all

Stay with me and learn me

And be able to see like I do

 

Turn all the way around

Open your eyes wide

And look through my lens

 

I don’t want perfect or sane

I want flawed and crazy

I want raw, earthbound souls who long for spontaneous perfect moments

 

Greet me, old soul

Even through my harsh lens

With magic and courage

And a desire to thrive

 

Brave the change

Conquer the fear of difference

And last in my world, although initially scary

The Path to Color

For 3 months now I’ve been in a depression. I have a few good writings about my depression but I mostly didn’t write. I wasn’t inspired. I felt emotionless, painless, nothing. I was so far into a depression that I wasn’t even concerned about getting out. It was just a dullness that had taken over and I was too tired to fight it. I wasn’t happy, but I also wasn’t that sad. In my depression, I never thought about the moment I would escape from it. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally be free. It went on for so long that I had learned to live with it. I knew how I would act. I knew that I would be like “this” for a while. I didn’t feel sorry for myself because I didn’t realize how bad it had actually gotten. It was just what my life had turned into.

I’m writing this now for any other person, even one single person reading this who understands what I’m talking about. This isn’t for someone who gets sad for one day and acts like they’re depressed. This is for someone who has lived this life. Someone who has been in the shadow for a long period of time. Someone who lacks energy, lacks emotion, lacks the words to say when someone asks what’s wrong. This is for you.

Hello there. You are already heading in the right direction. You’re online and you’re reading this. You’re reading a writing from someone you probably don’t know. You’ve gotten out of bed and you are curious. Maybe you are in the recovery stages just like me. I am proud of you. I know that most other people don’t understand. Maybe nobody in your family understands, maybe none of your friends. But I do. So it’s nice to meet you.

The thing is, everyone has a place they go to deal with their struggles. It is either a physical place or a mental place. Me? I’ve been struggling for a long time. I can’t go somewhere physically and stay there because I have to continue to be present in my live. I must act like I am where I’m supposed to be. Where others think I should be. So I go somewhere mentally. I zone out, I lose myself. I lose others. I am unaware of everything. People notice that something isn’t right. They notice that I’m not “here”. Medication? Can it help? Can someone help? I’m not sure. But really, is there a problem? I’m not sad or happy. I am nothing and it’s not painful. It’s not torturous. It’s the next best thing. If I’m not feeling happy, I might as well feel nothing. And everything is just fine in the world of nothing.

Me and you? There’s nothing wrong with us. This experience will make us stronger. It will make us compassionate and empathetic. It will make us better people. And because of that, I’m grateful to have gone through it.

The other side. That’s where I am heading! It is beautiful. It’s like starting to see everything in color again. I used to know colors but then I lost them. Thank goodness, they’ve been found.

In this moment, I am so focused on the present. Nothing specific is “good” but it is good. It is better than I’ve felt in a long time. The thing I’ve missed the most is my desire to write. I finally feel inspired again and that feeling is a good one.

It’s been a long journey. It has been exhausting. I’m ready to take a deep breath and paint my face with a genuine smile. I’m smiling right now for no reason at all.

This depression has taught me that no place, no person, no event has the power to make me genuinely happy. It is solely internal. It is my relationship with God, my own thoughts, my own feelings, and my own goals for my life that make my life a good one. No matter what I encounter, I will be strong. And I will fight. And I will refuse to be in the shadows again. I refuse to believe that being in the shadow is okay. I’m going to feel something. I’m going to care.

Am I recovered? Not even close. But I’m finally aware of my situation and I’m aware of the path I need to be on to fully escape from it. If the path is this nice, I am excited to continue.

Thanks for reading this. To many people, they’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. To some, they’ll feel like they’re reading about their own lives. And to others, depression can be different for everyone who goes through it, so maybe you read this and still understood. Just know, I am praying for you to find your escape.

God bless you all and may you value colors even more now than before.

xoxo

Mesa

 

 

Curly haired girls want straight & vise versa

We always hear that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. And it does seem as if it is. Why is that? Perhaps it’s not that the grass is really greener, but we are looking at the grass on the other side with such positive and upbeat thoughts. We do this at difficult times in our lives because we convince ourselves that the other side must be so much better. That is, until we venture to the other side and realize that the color is the same and it struggles in the same drought.

Social media plays a huge role in this. We see a post from someone else and think that they are someplace magnificent having a ton of fun. And then we wonder why we aren’t having that much fun. Comparison is such a natural thing. We always want to make sure we are “competitive” with others and still hip with the coolest styles and best places to venture.

The best feeling in the world is being satisfied with yourself, confident in yourself, and happy for yourself. When you are these things, it’s easier to look at someone else’s life with genuine happiness for them and less jealousy of them and the things they are doing.

It is no secret that our lives move in swings. We will go through some really difficult times, think that life stinks, and not want to participate in society. Then, things get a little better and our life becomes just average. Then, things start getting better and better and we realize that we are in fact awesome people who have so much to offer the world. The problem is being naive enough to think that one of these stages lasts forever. The stages come and go, your outlook on each stage is the only thing you can control.

So make a loose promise to yourself to make the best of each stage. Know that your life will get messy and crazy, but also know that’s what makes it fun. Embrace the times when you are a mess and also embrace the times when you are well put together.

I have curly hair. And when I say curly, I mean lion’s mane crazy puffy curly hair. For the longest time, I was so jealous of the girls who had naturally straight hair. It seemed that they could just wake up in the morning and look flawless. Little did I know, they woke up in the morning trying to get their hair to hold a curl.

We all want what we don’t have, but today, let’s want what we have. Let’s know that the grass is equally green on both sides of the fence. Have confidence in your grass, your life, (and your hair).

Health & Happiness

Hi people!

Body image is a huge deal for everybody. That can mean multiple things. To some, it may mean physical appearance, weight, and clothing size. To me, it means feeling good in your own body and being able to physically do everything you want to do.

I am not a fitness guru in any form. I don’t go to the gym or lift weights. But I do make it a priority to exercise in some way at least once a day. And the result of that is being in shape without really knowing it. Being healthy is a lifestyle choice. Once you make that decision, you’ll go over a hump and exercise and eating right will come so naturally you won’t even realize it. I am healthy and happy in my body because I can physically do so many neat things that I enjoy. I can bike, hike, swim, ski, tube, kayak, and play sports. Exercise comes in so many fun forms. Find a form that is fun for you.

As far as eating, healthy things don’t have to come in the form of one “protein shake” a day. Healthy foods are really normal foods with good portion sizes. Cut out the processed stuff. Eat fruits and veggies. Jelly beans are okay every once in a while too. The key to success with a healthy diet is not being super strict. Eat pretty much what you want, just not too much of it. And drink water!! Water is so good for your body and skin. If you drink soda for the caffeine, I understand. Go slow and try to cut back little by little. Maybe limit yourself to one soda a day. Then go every other day. Before you know it, soda won’t even taste good to you. If soda isn’t something you’re willing to cut out, thats okay too! Try cutting out anything fried. There are so many options to start a healthy diet. But the most important thing is not stuffing yourself every meal. I don’t eat the standard 3 meals a day. I eat like a bird each setting, but I might eat 5 or 6 times a day. It’s more fun that way. If your family always cooks a big dinner, try to eat a small lunch. Everyone’s lifestyle is different. You have to find a healthy lifestyle that works for you. Nobody can tell you how your body works.

The most important thing about your health is you. Well duh, but sometimes people don’t think about that. Being healthy needs to be for yourself. Look good in that bikini because you want to look and feel good. Don’t do it for anyone else. Be active in a way that is fun to you. Use your competitive side to exercise every day. Play games, go outside, sweat a little. Sweating is so good for your health. It cleanses your body. Don’t look at someone who is more in shape than you and start to compare yourself to them. You are you!! Do it for yourself. Being healthy has so many other benefits–great skin, great attitude, and great happiness. I would love to hear from anybody about this topic. If you need advice or have advice to give, please comment!

Be happy and smile!! Love your life and love who you are.

Perspective

Hello to all my bloggers,

The topic of today stems from a conversation between my mom and I while sitting in our adirondack chairs. We were sitting, side by side, and a post was in front of us. A pig shaped watering can was sitting just beyond the post. My mom asked me, “On what side of the post does the pig sit?” I very confidently answered “left”. It was a fact that the pig was on the left side of the post from where I was sitting. My mom argued back that the pig was most definitely on the right side of the post. We both took pictures from where we were sitting and I put them side by side in a photo collage (which is the photo you see above).

How can two people sitting so close together argue about which side of the post the pig sits? And how can those people argue with 100% certainty their own claim? It’s simple. From my position, the pig was on the left. But from her position, it was on the right. The word that allows this to make sense is “perspective”. In this situation, I feel as though most people understand the concept. However, putting this same idea on a larger scale causes riots and hatefulness.

Although I was hinting at politics, this goes for really all of the conflicts and disagreements in the world. When someone is arguing about something, it’s because they genuinely think it’s true. From their perspective, they will argue with 100% certainty.

Everyone sees the world through their own eyes. Nobody else can see things from your eyes. You might try to explain your perspective to them and they might seem to agree, or two people may try to describe their perspectives and think they are similar, but the truth of the matter is that what goes on in your head is only yours. And it differs slightly from anyone else. So how can one person bellow out their opinion in front of a crowd and declare it the truth? They do so by convincing people that their own opinions don’t matter and that somehow, they should believe that there is only one ultimate authority on the subject. The people who fall into the trap become known as “followers”.

The hatefulness and disgust comes from two groups of people with different perspectives who argue with each other and try to convince each other that one group is “right” and the other is “wrong”. As all of you know, the big rivalry comes between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. We take two people and use them as the face of two parties. People sit and riot because they think the political views of one or the other is absolutely outrageous. I know who is not getting my vote, because I think one of them is more psychotic than the other. And I agree with more of the views of one candidate. Does that mean I think everything they say is 100% true? No. Do I think they are super rude and unnecessarily jerkish? Yes. But the fact is, there are going to be two candidates on that ballot. One Republican and one Democrat. As a voter, I must pick which one I think would do a better job. And so I will go cast my vote in November as a part of my civic duty. It’s an honor to be able to vote. It’s my first time voting in November and I take pride in that. And for those of you who want to talk about politics with me, let’s do it. But why in the world would anyone go out and shove their opinions down another’s throat? It simply doesn’t make sense. It’s all about perspective.

One may proclaim that the pig is on the left side and the other may proclaim that the pig is on the right side. Before we cast judgement on others, let us sit in their adirondack chair for a moment and try to understand their perspective. And only after we do so can we begin to judge someone or critique someone for their views and opinions. So think about that next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone. Open your eyes, hold back your sharp tongue, and most importantly, allow your heart to empathize with whomever you encounter.

The Mysteries in Hiding

The following poem is a mixture of so many feelings. Some of those feelings can’t be put into words, so they turn out to be a mix of words that in no way express the feeling. Point of story—you don’t always have to make sense. Your story is in you. So know that you are amazing. And you will be successful. Let the world inspire you not to make sense. But write about it anyway, because one day, you will look back and remember those feelings through your words that made no sense.

What feelings I have to express
To put me in a world so deep
As to manipulate what I know is right
To sit here and weep

And what we all want is the same
But the approach reaches all ends of the spectrum
For the yearning to make a difference is so powerful
But to find the way is too tough

So we carry on with our sticks
We keep throwing our stones
Knowing the result could be prosperous
But the journey exhausting

I make promises to myself
Some go unthought about
But most linger
Making me furious

If I cannot achieve
How do I say
That I can change the world
It’s one step away

But the beautiful photos
The miraculous places
Only seem that way to those without experience
The problem is the experience

We are in the todays
In the truth
The light that’s always shining
The darkness always waiting

Take your time in the light
As much as you need
But know that the memories
Are always there for the fun

Change the world for yourself
By yourself
And in no regard to the mysteries
Keep the mysteries in hiding