The Path to Color

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For 3 months now I’ve been in a depression. I have a few good writings about my depression but I mostly didn’t write. I wasn’t inspired. I felt emotionless, painless, nothing. I was so far into a depression that I wasn’t even concerned about getting out. It was just a dullness that had taken over and I was too tired to fight it. I wasn’t happy, but I also wasn’t that sad. In my depression, I never thought about the moment I would escape from it. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally be free. It went on for so long that I had learned to live with it. I knew how I would act. I knew that I would be like “this” for a while. I didn’t feel sorry for myself because I didn’t realize how bad it had actually gotten. It was just what my life had turned into.

I’m writing this now for any other person, even one single person reading this who understands what I’m talking about. This isn’t for someone who gets sad for one day and acts like they’re depressed. This is for someone who has lived this life. Someone who has been in the shadow for a long period of time. Someone who lacks energy, lacks emotion, lacks the words to say when someone asks what’s wrong. This is for you.

Hello there. You are already heading in the right direction. You’re online and you’re reading this. You’re reading a writing from someone you probably don’t know. You’ve gotten out of bed and you are curious. Maybe you are in the recovery stages just like me. I am proud of you. I know that most other people don’t understand. Maybe nobody in your family understands, maybe none of your friends. But I do. So it’s nice to meet you.

The thing is, everyone has a place they go to deal with their struggles. It is either a physical place or a mental place. Me? I’ve been struggling for a long time. I can’t go somewhere physically and stay there because I have to continue to be present in my live. I must act like I am where I’m supposed to be. Where others think I should be. So I go somewhere mentally. I zone out, I lose myself. I lose others. I am unaware of everything. People notice that something isn’t right. They notice that I’m not “here”. Medication? Can it help? Can someone help? I’m not sure. But really, is there a problem? I’m not sad or happy. I am nothing and it’s not painful. It’s not torturous. It’s the next best thing. If I’m not feeling happy, I might as well feel nothing. And everything is just fine in the world of nothing.

Me and you? There’s nothing wrong with us. This experience will make us stronger. It will make us compassionate and empathetic. It will make us better people. And because of that, I’m grateful to have gone through it.

The other side. That’s where I am heading! It is beautiful. It’s like starting to see everything in color again. I used to know colors but then I lost them. Thank goodness, they’ve been found.

In this moment, I am so focused on the present. Nothing specific is “good” but it is good. It is better than I’ve felt in a long time. The thing I’ve missed the most is my desire to write. I finally feel inspired again and that feeling is a good one.

It’s been a long journey. It has been exhausting. I’m ready to take a deep breath and paint my face with a genuine smile. I’m smiling right now for no reason at all.

This depression has taught me that no place, no person, no event has the power to make me genuinely happy. It is solely internal. It is my relationship with God, my own thoughts, my own feelings, and my own goals for my life that make my life a good one. No matter what I encounter, I will be strong. And I will fight. And I will refuse to be in the shadows again. I refuse to believe that being in the shadow is okay. I’m going to feel something. I’m going to care.

Am I recovered? Not even close. But I’m finally aware of my situation and I’m aware of the path I need to be on to fully escape from it. If the path is this nice, I am excited to continue.

Thanks for reading this. To many people, they’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. To some, they’ll feel like they’re reading about their own lives. And to others, depression can be different for everyone who goes through it, so maybe you read this and still understood. Just know, I am praying for you to find your escape.

God bless you all and may you value colors even more now than before.





Categories: happy, Health, Inspirational, Life, Mind, New Year, Passion, People, Perspective, Reflective, Success, Thankful, Thinking, understand, words | Leave a comment

Curly haired girls want straight & vise versa


We always hear that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. And it does seem as if it is. Why is that? Perhaps it’s not that the grass is really greener, but we are looking at the grass on the other side with such positive and upbeat thoughts. We do this at difficult times in our lives because we convince ourselves that the other side must be so much better. That is, until we venture to the other side and realize that the color is the same and it struggles in the same drought.

Social media plays a huge role in this. We see a post from someone else and think that they are someplace magnificent having a ton of fun. And then we wonder why we aren’t having that much fun. Comparison is such a natural thing. We always want to make sure we are “competitive” with others and still hip with the coolest styles and best places to venture.

The best feeling in the world is being satisfied with yourself, confident in yourself, and happy for yourself. When you are these things, it’s easier to look at someone else’s life with genuine happiness for them and less jealousy of them and the things they are doing.

It is no secret that our lives move in swings. We will go through some really difficult times, think that life stinks, and not want to participate in society. Then, things get a little better and our life becomes just average. Then, things start getting better and better and we realize that we are in fact awesome people who have so much to offer the world. The problem is being naive enough to think that one of these stages lasts forever. The stages come and go, your outlook on each stage is the only thing you can control.

So make a loose promise to yourself to make the best of each stage. Know that your life will get messy and crazy, but also know that’s what makes it fun. Embrace the times when you are a mess and also embrace the times when you are well put together.

I have curly hair. And when I say curly, I mean lion’s mane crazy puffy curly hair. For the longest time, I was so jealous of the girls who had naturally straight hair. It seemed that they could just wake up in the morning and look flawless. Little did I know, they woke up in the morning trying to get their hair to hold a curl.

We all want what we don’t have, but today, let’s want what we have. Let’s know that the grass is equally green on both sides of the fence. Have confidence in your grass, your life, (and your hair).

Categories: 2016, confidence, happy, Inspirational, Life, Love, Mind, Passion, People, Perspective, Reflective, Secure, Success, Thinking, understand, words, World, Writing | 4 Comments

Health & Happiness


Hi people!

Body image is a huge deal for everybody. That can mean multiple things. To some, it may mean physical appearance, weight, and clothing size. To me, it means feeling good in your own body and being able to physically do everything you want to do.

I am not a fitness guru in any form. I don’t go to the gym or lift weights. But I do make it a priority to exercise in some way at least once a day. And the result of that is being in shape without really knowing it. Being healthy is a lifestyle choice. Once you make that decision, you’ll go over a hump and exercise and eating right will come so naturally you won’t even realize it. I am healthy and happy in my body because I can physically do so many neat things that I enjoy. I can bike, hike, swim, ski, tube, kayak, and play sports. Exercise comes in so many fun forms. Find a form that is fun for you.

As far as eating, healthy things don’t have to come in the form of one “protein shake” a day. Healthy foods are really normal foods with good portion sizes. Cut out the processed stuff. Eat fruits and veggies. Jelly beans are okay every once in a while too. The key to success with a healthy diet is not being super strict. Eat pretty much what you want, just not too much of it. And drink water!! Water is so good for your body and skin. If you drink soda for the caffeine, I understand. Go slow and try to cut back little by little. Maybe limit yourself to one soda a day. Then go every other day. Before you know it, soda won’t even taste good to you. If soda isn’t something you’re willing to cut out, thats okay too! Try cutting out anything fried. There are so many options to start a healthy diet. But the most important thing is not stuffing yourself every meal. I don’t eat the standard 3 meals a day. I eat like a bird each setting, but I might eat 5 or 6 times a day. It’s more fun that way. If your family always cooks a big dinner, try to eat a small lunch. Everyone’s lifestyle is different. You have to find a healthy lifestyle that works for you. Nobody can tell you how your body works.

The most important thing about your health is you. Well duh, but sometimes people don’t think about that. Being healthy needs to be for yourself. Look good in that bikini because you want to look and feel good. Don’t do it for anyone else. Be active in a way that is fun to you. Use your competitive side to exercise every day. Play games, go outside, sweat a little. Sweating is so good for your health. It cleanses your body. Don’t look at someone who is more in shape than you and start to compare yourself to them. You are you!! Do it for yourself. Being healthy has so many other benefits–great skin, great attitude, and great happiness. I would love to hear from anybody about this topic. If you need advice or have advice to give, please comment!

Be happy and smile!! Love your life and love who you are.

Categories: 2016, confidence, Fitness, happy, Health, Life, Love, Mind, Passion, People, Reflective, Secure, Success, Thinking, understand, words, World, Writing | Leave a comment

The Mysteries in Hiding


The following poem is a mixture of so many feelings. Some of those feelings can’t be put into words, so they turn out to be a mix of words that in no way express the feeling. Point of story—you don’t always have to make sense. Your story is in you. So know that you are amazing. And you will be successful. Let the world inspire you not to make sense. But write about it anyway, because one day, you will look back and remember those feelings through your words that made no sense.

What feelings I have to express
To put me in a world so deep
As to manipulate what I know is right
To sit here and weep

And what we all want is the same
But the approach reaches all ends of the spectrum
For the yearning to make a difference is so powerful
But to find the way is too tough

So we carry on with our sticks
We keep throwing our stones
Knowing the result could be prosperous
But the journey exhausting

I make promises to myself
Some go unthought about
But most linger
Making me furious

If I cannot achieve
How do I say
That I can change the world
It’s one step away

But the beautiful photos
The miraculous places
Only seem that way to those without experience
The problem is the experience

We are in the todays
In the truth
The light that’s always shining
The darkness always waiting

Take your time in the light
As much as you need
But know that the memories
Are always there for the fun

Change the world for yourself
By yourself
And in no regard to the mysteries
Keep the mysteries in hiding

Categories: 2016, confidence, Inspirational, Life, Love, Mind, Passion, People, Poetry, Reflective, Success, Thinking, understand, words, World, Writing | Leave a comment

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