For 3 months now I’ve been in a depression. I have a few good writings about my depression but I mostly didn’t write. I wasn’t inspired. I felt emotionless, painless, nothing. I was so far into a depression that I wasn’t even concerned about getting out. It was just a dullness that had taken over and I was too tired to fight it. I wasn’t happy, but I also wasn’t that sad. In my depression, I never thought about the moment I would escape from it. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally be free. It went on for so long that I had learned to live with it. I knew how I would act. I knew that I would be like “this” for a while. I didn’t feel sorry for myself because I didn’t realize how bad it had actually gotten. It was just what my life had turned into.
I’m writing this now for any other person, even one single person reading this who understands what I’m talking about. This isn’t for someone who gets sad for one day and acts like they’re depressed. This is for someone who has lived this life. Someone who has been in the shadow for a long period of time. Someone who lacks energy, lacks emotion, lacks the words to say when someone asks what’s wrong. This is for you.
Hello there. You are already heading in the right direction. You’re online and you’re reading this. You’re reading a writing from someone you probably don’t know. You’ve gotten out of bed and you are curious. Maybe you are in the recovery stages just like me. I am proud of you. I know that most other people don’t understand. Maybe nobody in your family understands, maybe none of your friends. But I do. So it’s nice to meet you.
The thing is, everyone has a place they go to deal with their struggles. It is either a physical place or a mental place. Me? I’ve been struggling for a long time. I can’t go somewhere physically and stay there because I have to continue to be present in my live. I must act like I am where I’m supposed to be. Where others think I should be. So I go somewhere mentally. I zone out, I lose myself. I lose others. I am unaware of everything. People notice that something isn’t right. They notice that I’m not “here”. Medication? Can it help? Can someone help? I’m not sure. But really, is there a problem? I’m not sad or happy. I am nothing and it’s not painful. It’s not torturous. It’s the next best thing. If I’m not feeling happy, I might as well feel nothing. And everything is just fine in the world of nothing.
Me and you? There’s nothing wrong with us. This experience will make us stronger. It will make us compassionate and empathetic. It will make us better people. And because of that, I’m grateful to have gone through it.
The other side. That’s where I am heading! It is beautiful. It’s like starting to see everything in color again. I used to know colors but then I lost them. Thank goodness, they’ve been found.
In this moment, I am so focused on the present. Nothing specific is “good” but it is good. It is better than I’ve felt in a long time. The thing I’ve missed the most is my desire to write. I finally feel inspired again and that feeling is a good one.
It’s been a long journey. It has been exhausting. I’m ready to take a deep breath and paint my face with a genuine smile. I’m smiling right now for no reason at all.
This depression has taught me that no place, no person, no event has the power to make me genuinely happy. It is solely internal. It is my relationship with God, my own thoughts, my own feelings, and my own goals for my life that make my life a good one. No matter what I encounter, I will be strong. And I will fight. And I will refuse to be in the shadows again. I refuse to believe that being in the shadow is okay. I’m going to feel something. I’m going to care.
Am I recovered? Not even close. But I’m finally aware of my situation and I’m aware of the path I need to be on to fully escape from it. If the path is this nice, I am excited to continue.
Thanks for reading this. To many people, they’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. To some, they’ll feel like they’re reading about their own lives. And to others, depression can be different for everyone who goes through it, so maybe you read this and still understood. Just know, I am praying for you to find your escape.
God bless you all and may you value colors even more now than before.